The Top 5 things I’ve learned in Burlesque

I am currently “starring” in a wonderful production entitled “Santa’s Naughty & Nice Burlesque”.  It is a magical musical revue inspired by the golden age of Hollywood musicals from the 30’s and 40’s.  We still have 6 more shows to go- so I’m sure I’ll learn much more along the way, but here are a few items I’ve learned thus far:

1. Burlesque does not = g-string and pasties.  I know!  Who knew??  It doesn’t even have to include stripping of any kind.  Its an off-shoot of vaudeville and did not take on the stripping conatation until the 60’s.  Thank goodness, because after two c-sections, breastfeeding and well… pushing 40, I’m pretty sure me stripping would’ve cleared the room faster than someone yelling, “FIRE!” 

2. Show Girl Make Up:  This means lots of it!  Far more than you can ever imagine.  If you’re a woman, you’ll look as good as any trannie, in fact, if you go anywhere in public outside of the theatre, most people will mistake you for a man.

3.  False Eyelashes:  A MUST for all show girls.  And a major pain in the ass.  You must apply glue, wait 30 seconds for it to become gummy then apply the lashes directly to lash line.  Sounds easy, right?  Wrong!  The lashes inevitably end up lopsided, upside down, eyelids glued together and you looking like a drunken whore.  Then taking them off is a real treat.  As you peel them off your eyelids, taking several of your real lashes with them, your left with a lovely line of glue stuck to your eyelid.  You MUST remove the glue before going to sleep- or you may never be able to open your eyes again.  So, to remove them you must ever so carefully pluck said glue from you eyelid with tweezers- and it hurts like bitch, no not a bitch, a motherfucker (and that’s exactly what you’ll be saying the entire time you’re doing it, “fucking, motherfucker”)- especially when you accidentally (and this is everytime) pinch your lid with the tweezers instead of just the glue. 

4. Show Girl Pose:  This is a beautiful pose that is meant to accentuate the hour-glass figure and the long line of your leg…when done properly.  You stand with one leg bent in front pointed down, all weight on your back leg, hands on hips, waist twisted with your tummy looking to the side and your shoulders facing forward, chin up and looking elegant and relaxed.  Easy peasy!  Standing in this position for anyone over the age of 35 for more than 5 minutes will cause major back strain, leg cramps and loss of blood flow to your lower extremeties.   But, man, the truth is you will look great!

5.  Uncle Ben’s Boobs:  I’m a D cup.  I always thought that was the ideal size, big even.  Boy was I wrong.  Just a few days before opening, our two directors pulled me aside and said, “We need to talk about your boobs.  You need to get some.”  They kindly suggested I wear a push up bra- I was wearing one.  Then they gave me the inside secret all drag queens know but aren’t telling.  Fill two stockings full of rice and stuff them in your bra right up under your tit and lo and behold you’ve got cleavage as good as any silicone filled slut jogging down the beach on Baywatch.  I’ve even had friends stop me after the show and say, “I never knew you had those things hiding under there!”  And here’s a bonus,  if you get hot and sweaty enough, it works like a slow cooker and you’ll have a nice snack for after the show.  

BTW- I’ve decided to refer to my boobs from here on out as “the rice bags.”  For example, at my next mammogram…”time to flatten the old rice bags.”  Or when old Hef finally gets me my Playboy centerfold…”turn ons include playing with my rice bags.”