My father has always been under the impression that everyone else in the world is getting older except him. That he is invincible and will live forever. He runs everyday, swims in the summer, drinks like a fish, travels the world and lives life to its fullest. I want nothing more than to feel the same way throughout my life. He is approaching his 80th birthday and old age is finally beginning to rear its ugly, age spotted, gray haired bald head. Nothing really horrible, just forgetfulness from time to time, the occasional unsteadiness on his feet, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, old people smell…you know, old people shit.
He’s had a few health problems as of late and went in for a check up a week or so ago. The doctor took a blood test and told him to lay off “the alcohol” for a week until the test came back. Well, everything is looking hunky dory, and the doctor gave him the go ahead to “go back on the alcohol.” However, he suggested he cut back his evening drinks from 3 shots of alcohol per drink to 2 shots per drink. Btw, one drink for my dad is the equivalent of 4 for any normal person- if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll remember- he’s a professional.
So, after he told me the doctor’s “suggestions” regarding his alcohol intake I asked him if he was having a drink. It was almost 9pm- an absolutely acceptable time. Remember, he’s a professional, he doesn’t drink during the day- he has rules (alcoholics do not have rules, professionals do), 9pm is the magic hour- and then he only has TWO drinks. Ahem- like I said two is the equivalent of four. Anyhoo, when I asked if he was drinking he said, “Well, yeah.” (as if I’m an idiot) “But, its just wine- not whiskey or anything. Wine is like juice. It doesn’t do anything. I’m only having 3 or 4 glasses.” I love it- “WINE IS LIKE JUICE.” Technically, he’s right- its grape juice- only fermented. And isn’t 4 glasses the whole bottle? But, who am I to tell an 80 year old man to part with his best friend? Hell hath no fury like an 80 year old (or a toddler) who’s had his JUICE taken away.
This got me thinking of all the wise advice my parents have given me throughout the years. Drugs are pretty much straight forward, don’t do them. After all, my mother told me, “Marijuana killed Judy Garland.” Well, if Mary Jane is what killed Dorothy then I definitely wanted to stay as far from that as possible. My parents pretty much missed the 60’s entirely, being busy raising little ones of their own at that time. So I don’t think she ever understood the difference between a joint and, I don’t know, shit like heroine, cocaine, prescription drug abuse…but whatevs.
She would also remind me every time I left the house on a foggy night, “Be careful, remember how Jayne Mansfield died.” WTF? First of all, Jayne Mansfield was a star about a million years before I was born and how the hell am I supposed to know how she died??? I’m pretty sure most of you are unaware as well. So fyi, in case you’re ever on Jeopardy or something, on a foggy night her car went under a truck and she was decapitated. Got it, Mom. (Btw, I haven’t fact checked that- I’m just trusting that she knows her shit.) Now, every time I see fog all I can think of is Jayne Mansfield’s decapitated corpse- yay- happy thoughts! But, I digress.
Of course, my Dad was the expert on advice for alcohol or more like friendly suggestions. I remember very vividly when Tylenol began coming in child proof bottles, I was about 8 and his “go to” for opening that shit. One time in particular, as I popped the bottle for him, he told me (again I’m 8), “if you ever drink too much, just take two Tylenol before you go to bed and you won’t have a hangover.” Good to know, Dad. I followed this sage advice all throughout college. That is until they figured out that- oopsy daisy- you could die of sudden liver damage by combining those two things. Thanks, Dad!
My other favorite piece of advice from dear old dad is regarding drinking and driving. Now to his credit, his story has changed as he has aged and he will NEVER drive after even one drink now and will not allow me to either. But, as a kid, I really can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to kick beer cans out of the way to climb in the back seat of his mid-life crisis sports car. One time we were weaving down the road and were pulled over by our local Barney Fife and he asked him, “Sir, have you been drinking?” Always the honest man, he said yes. There my sister and I were, bouncing around the back seat, no seat belts and surrounded by empty beer cans and all the officer said was, “Well, I suggest you be careful and get those girls home right away.” Thanks, officer! For you youngins, it was the 70’s and they didn’t really take all that shit seriously.
In high school he told me a full proof way of getting out of a drunken driving arrest. No matter that the legal drinking age was 21 and I was in high school- he is a realist so I guess he was trying to be helpful. His advice went something like this, “Act real innocent and just tell the officer, ‘Oh my! I never drink. I just left the company party and they must’ve had something in the punch!'” Yeah, I know you’re shaking your head, so am I.
A really great piece of advice they both gave me, and I mean this in all seriousness, was to major in something I loved in college- because once you get into the real world, unless you’re going to be a doctor or rocket scientist or something- nobody is going to give a shit what you studied or how well you did. You should study hard but have fun, because the real world is a bitch. I’ve been quite successful in my career and it wasn’t until just the past couple of years that the folks I work for figured out I majored in Theatre. See, people don’t even read that little “education” part on your resume- its all the other bullshit you put at the beginning that matters. Having majored in Theatre and had no jobs related to my field of study, I know, my friends, that this is advice you can take to the bank!
Watching them both, I learned that you have to let shit go, NOT CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, and go for it no matter what. They didn’t always demonstrate these qualities, sometimes they did- but they showed me in their joy and their sorrows that life is meant to be lived….the best lesson of all.
And fuck, I just read that last paragraph- it sounds like they’re dead. No…rest assured, they are alive and well and still giving me “awesome” advice all the time. I’ll be sure to share it with you another time.