Happy 1st Blogiversary to me! It was this month almost a year ago to the day that I decided to start sharing some of my deepest and darkest secrets with anyone who would listen. Okay- some of them are not deep and not dark- but they weren’t exactly the laundry I was hanging out on the line all the time up till then. It was a giant leap of faith and a wonderful exercise similar to the ancient Festivus tradition of “airing of the grievances”. For you youngin’s that is from this old timey tv show that was airing around the turn of the century called Seinfeld. I’m sure you can find it on Netflix or Hulu or whatever- of course, I wouldn’t know because I still can’t figure out how to hook that shit up.
First off, I’d like to thank you, my loyal and possibly quite lazy readers- because you’re probably at work right now trying to look busy in front of the boss while you entertain yourself with my hilariously funny blog and take buzz feed quizzes. Its okay- the boss is doing it too. You’ve sent me many encouraging words over this year- some of them from people I thought never knew I existed. Some of them from people I’ve never met- which are way more exciting than people I know- sorry friends. So thanks. Its makes spilling my guts a little bit easier. But, please don’t give me weepy knowing looks the next time we see each other- its just creepy and uncomfortable. Honestly, I think this shit is funny. Even my shrink thinks my depression is hilarious.
Secondly, I’d like to thank my parents who have provided an endless supply of material. Some people may feel sorry for someone who writes about being the child of a broken marriage, the rantings of an alcoholic father and the delight of a clinically depressed mother. It has all the makings of a riveting Lifetime movie or better yet- an Academy Award winning seriously sad bullshit movie starring Glenn Close. Which, by the way, I would never dare watch because why the hell do I want to feel sad? I want to be entertained at the movies- not reminded of how unfair life can be. Give me a good or bad Adam Sandler movie any day. But, I say Nay, NAY- I tell you! From great misery comes great hilarity and I am grateful that I can smile through the tears.
Alright, I’m reading back over this and well, it is depressing. So let’s lighten it up a bit, shall we? One of the most important people I need to thank is….drum roll please….not my husband (although, thanks honey)….not my children (they don’t do shit)….but you guessed it- the masturbating man at Starbucks!! Yes, my blog post about him (its called Flashback- check it out) and the fact that he jerked off in front of me not once, but twice, within the past year has offered me more than one occasion to post that particular entry- driving ever more traffic to my non-money making blog. So hats of to you, shorty shorts, coffee fetish masturbater! The post even got published in a real magazine, on real paper, read by real people sitting in a gyno’s waiting room anxiously awaiting their annual pap smear!
Looking back, I started the blog with high hopes. I imagined myself turning this into an actual business. One that I would’ve made into an actual website and not just a wordpress thing-a-ma-bob. I even bought a domain name and was told time and again by my smarty pants friends (you know who you are, damn you, smart people) how easy it would be to set up and share all of my meaningful prose. But, alas, like Netflix, Hulu, the Wii, the external hard drive and any other technology everyone claims is “so easy” I am too stupid and do not have enough time to sit down and do it. So please, one of you out there that is shaking your head right now- help a sister out!
2013 was a great year for me. I accomplished all of my goals I set that year- I started a blog, I actually got paid to act, I got new floors and I ate off the fine china every God damn day. As I started thinking about this entry, I was trying to remember what I’d accomplished this year and the well was, well, running dry. I realized I did not set any real goals for myself. So, I’m starting today. The goal for 2014 is to set up some goals for 2015. That should be easy right? Its really just making a list, right? Ugh….one more thing I have to do. For Christ’s sake, between the job, the kids, the laundry, the laundry, the laundry, and the laundry….does it ever end??
Alright, I didn’t have any actual goals to accomplish, but I have done some soul searching (reviewing my Facebook posts) and have come up with a few things. In the spring I attended a week long Broadway intensive training program in New York City! New York City, y’all!! (done in my best Hee-Haw impression). You know, that big old place up north. I took classes from amazing Broadway legends. I learned I’m a pretty good singer, if I do say so myself. I learned I cannot and will not ever tap dance. I learned that I would be perfect to be cast in the role of “soccer mom” in a commercial (yeah, thanks, that’s a real confidence booster). I laughed and mostly cried through the whole trip. In fact, that has been a running joke with my fellow travelers, that I will cry at the drop of a hat. I cried because I’m forty years old (see my post, I’m Forty- also published on real paper for women waiting to have a pap smear to read), my life is not what I envisioned at 18, there are so many things I wanted to do that have never come to fruition- for example, move to New York City. However, the trip also taught me that I can’t stand New York City. Its crowded, smelly, dirty, loud, loud, oh and did I mention, loud? I’d go for a run at 5:30 AM- IN THE MORNING- and the hotel lobby would be pumping the club music like Paris Hilton was dancing on the table. Its 5:30 in the morning people, can’t we get some nice soft easy listening? I’d honestly shoot myself if I had to work that shift at the hotel front desk.
I, on the other hand, am living in what Conde Nast Readers have voted the #1 destination in the world for several years in a row now. However, I’m not really sure how many readers they surveyed or how well traveled these folks are. I mean honestly, #1 in the WORLD? Its good and all but, pfft. I’m pretty sure the “voters” are from the tri-county area and were bullied into voting by our local tourism board- but whatevs- its still pretty baller. I don’t really know what “baller” means or if I’m even using it correctly, but I know it means something is expensive and cool because I’ve heard it on the Kardashians at least once or twice and that’s where I get all my hip lingo.
Some other noteworthy achievements this year are as follows…..I starred in the highly, successful original musical, The Charleston, during Piccolo Spoleto. I became a published author (it sounds way fancier than it is). I helped create the first Conservatory focused on musical theatre in the great state of South Carolina. I continued to write bullshit in this crappy blog. We bought a boat and I’ve had lots of fun bonding time with the fam. I made an effort to actually meet some of those people on Facebook who are my “friends” but I’ve never actually met. I started a Pinterest account- which is total waste of time and so deactivated it- only to reactivate it so I can store my Weight Watchers recipes. Which brings me to….I’m back on Weight Watchers. Mind you, I am a lifetime member (said as I blow on my nails and wipe them on my pretend lapel). I finally signed up and learned how to use the Parent Portal for my children’s school- which the school has been telling me to do for the past 5 years. I starred in a local tv commercial to sell blinds and am recognized by people I already know on a regular basis from said commercial. So, I guess I haven’t been so lazy. But, really I think I can do a little better in 2015.
Okay- let’s be a little thankful here- since ya know, Thanksgiving is next week. Don’t you hate when you see perfect families on tv going around the table saying what their thankful for on Thanksgiving? Its always straight from a Hallmark commercial saying how much they love their family and blah blah blah. In reality, we’re all just trying to get through the day without it ending in a giant, door slamming, drunken screaming match- and then calming down and ending with a little football and a turkey sandwich. Now, that’s a Thanksgiving show I’d watch.
Oh yeah- back to the thankful crap. I have a husband who supports and loves me even when I act like a total asshole. I have 2 beautiful children who love and adore me even when I act like a total asshole. I work for a company that puts up with me and have amazing friends who all put up with my assholitis (that term brought to you by my dear old dad). So, I may not have accomplished any actual goals this year, I am not living the life 18 year old me wanted, I can’t tap dance, I can’t set up Netflix, I can’t figure out how to turn my blog into an actual website, I can’t find matching socks for my children or myself, my closets are busting open with clothes that have not seen the light of day in 15 years, I can’t close my children’s drawers because I still haven’t cleaned out their summer clothes, my desk is a mess of papers that I’m sure are important and I should be attending to- but really, who gives a fuck, but nonetheless, life has been pretty damn good to me. So there.